My Shillington Journey: Part Four

Welcome back to the last blog of My Shillington Journey.

So I had endured a pretty shit weekend. I was still trying to wrap my head around what had happened and what was going to happen next. That whole weekend, I think I must have cried my body weight in tears because eventually they just dried up. But my stomach/chest pain was still there. I found it really difficult eating or drinking & when I tried to, it would come back up. And trying to sleep was absolutely impossible, even my dreams were unpleasant.

But time kept going & Monday morning rolled around. 'Zombie Cora' got her ass out of bed & went to college. I must have looked like absolute shit because my teachers asked me to go into their office for a chat. As soon as I got inside, they asked if everything was okay. It was really hard to say it out loud, but I told them what had happened. Surprisingly, the tears had regenerated & started flowing - I am not normally one to cry in public or in front of people so I was actually pretty embarrassed. But both Belen and Shanti were very sympathetic & offered a lot of advice. Then after we had talked a bit, Belen asked me the big question;

'Will you be able to finish the course?'.

I had been thinking about it all weekend. Of course, I wanted to finish - I had spent a lot of money on this course & I had a lot riding on graduating. I told them that I needed to do this for myself & they agreed. They told me that if I needed any help or even needed a chat/time out, I was to let them know. Honestly, this gesture really warmed my heart, and if either of them are reading this blog - I'd like to thank both Belen and Shanti from the bottom of my heart. I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to learn from those two smart and inspiring women.

Belen & Shanti suggested I talk to some of my fellow classmates so I had extra support. But I was honestly trying to keep everything to myself as much as possible. I didn't want to bother anyone else with my problems, especially during portfolio time. But I also felt more in control of my emotions if I kept quiet. However, eventually some of my classmates started asking if I was okay. Truth be told, I was unsure how to answer that. But I felt some weird pressure to seem okay on the outside, even though I was really not okay. When I was in class, it was easy to somewhat forget everything. But then when my mind wasn't on my work - it was very present in my mind.

To make things worse, it felt as though he kept rubbing it in my face. I felt this way because he started seeing the last girl he cheated on me with. He seemed somewhat proud of what he had done & proud that he had moved on so quickly - which I took badly. We still had our joint bank account so I could see where he was taking her out & I saw him spending all of our savings. It was really toxic staying in the house as he would constantly say I had to move out - which made concentrating on college more difficult. But I stupidly stayed there out of convenience. Looking back - I really should have left the house earlier. I had enough on my plate and dealing with his ever changing moods was even more exhausting. But somehow, I managed...

The last two weeks of college, also known as 'Portfolio Week' were busy and manic. But I actually loved every minute of it because it kept my mind occupied. And I felt genuinely happy while I was designing, which made me realize this was what I was meant to do. I loved seeing my work develop and I was becoming very proud of my work - I couldn't wait to show it off to everyone. And once I had my printed portfolio in my hands, I felt a huge amount of relief. I had never been so proud of myself in my life. I had accomplished something great whilst experiencing some really shitty aspects in my life.

Graduation night was lots of fun and it was amazing seeing how much everyone had achieved in their portfolios. But it was very bittersweet. I was so happy and proud of myself for getting my qualification but I felt very lonely because I had no one to celebrate/share this time with - which I hadn't felt this before in my adult life. But I had to get used to it because I was now single & very close to being homeless... So the week after I graduated, I started moving my stuff out of the house & moved back in with my parents.

Their house ended up getting really cramped & I felt like I was a teenager again, only this time I had a car. I felt like I was constantly being watched & everyone was walking on eggshells around me so I tried to be there as little as possible.

I ended up visiting my old work to show off my portfolio & I told them what had happened. When they heard what had gone on, they offered me a job where I would be able to do a whole heap of design work for them. And they had also offered me a place to live. I was so grateful & accepted straight away. So I had ticked off the 'Get a job' & the 'Find a new place' tasks on my To-Do list. All I had to do next was to start repairing myself - if only it was that simple...

Writing this blog was pretty difficult - recounting what happened was hard & I naturally I have kept some things out of this blog. But writing this down was kind of therapeutic. As time continues to pass, I am realizing that everything happens for a reason. And it took a while for me to realize it, but I deserve so much better than what I was getting before.

Until next time,
Cora
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